And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's
worth the price.
I sincerely doubt
That the world could do without
My
good advice.
Sir Isaac Newton came around to my house one day.
His face was all
sunburned and red.
He said he didn't want to sleep in the shade of a
tree,
Because an apple might fall on his head.
I said, "Sir Isaac, you
dumbbell, take my advice.
Go right back there and sleep beneath that
tree.
And if you let that rotten apple fall down on your head,
Why you'll
discover gravity."
And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's
worth the price.
The world's a better place,
Since I gave the human
race
My good advice.
A man named Mr. Waterman invented a tube.
He was sad because it sprung a
little leak.
He said, "Darn it, when I hold my tube on a piece of
paper,
The ink leaks out and makes a little streak."
He said, "I've gotta
find a way to stop that leak.
I'll start working on my leakproof tube
again."
I said, "Waterman, you idiot, don't stop that leak.
You just
invented a fountain pen."
And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's
worth the price.
I'm so worldly wise,
I should get the Nobel Prize,
For
good advice.
Good old Henry Ford, he was a hardworking man.
He worked all night and all
day.
I said, "Henry, watcha doin'?"
And Henry, he said, "I'm inventing the
Chevrolet."
He said, "I've already built twenty-five models,
One for each
letter from A to Z."
I said, "Henry, you fool, there are twenty-six letters
in the alphabet.
He said, "Good heavens, I forgot the Model T."
And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's
worth the price.
It's fruitful as can be,
And it's absolutely free.
My
good advice.
Wilbur and Orville were two brothers named Wright.
The nicest pair of kids
you've ever seen.
They worked twelve years on a secret project.
They
thought it was a washing machine.
I said, "Fellas, what are all those wings
for?"
They said, "For hanging clothes out to dry."
I said, "You fools,
take that washing machine out to Kitty Hawk,
And see if the darn thing'll
fly."
And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's
worth the price.
I'm so smart that I'm
Gonna win a Guggenheim,
For good
advice.
(One more time)
Benjamin Franklin was a charming old man,
He was always flying his
kite.
One night I said, "Benjy, why ain't you out with your kite?"
He
said, "Because it's raining tonight."
I said, "Benjy, sweety, you go right
back out there,
And to your kite string tie a key.
This may shock you,
Benjy my boy,
But that's electricity."
And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's
worth the price.
I'll be fond of you
If you'll only listen to
My good
advice.
Ooga Magoog was a Neanderthal man,
A very poorly educated soul.
He had
a great big square thing made of solid stone,
And in the middle of it was a
hole.
One day he had to go from his cave in Natchez
To his uncle's cave in
Mobile.
I said, "Round off those corners
And buy a set of tires,
And
Ooky baby, that's a wheel."
And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's
worth the price.
Harvard offered me
A Phi Beta Kappa key
For good
advice.
Sigmund Freud, he had an unfurnished house.
He was a very nosy fellow, so
it seems.
He had no chairs,
So he made all his friends stand around all
day,
And tell him all their secrets and their dreams.
Well, while they
stood there talking 'till they got fallen arches,
They yelled, "My feet are
killing me. Ouch!"
I said, "Sigmund, don't you realize you've got a gold mine
here.
Go out and buy yourself a leather couch."
And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's
worth the price.
Every word you're told
Will be 18 karat gold,
That's
good advice.
Alexander Graham Bell was building a fence
With some wood, and a long
piece of wire.
He said, "There's something strange going on around here.
I
keep hearing the voice of Uncle Myer."
I said, "Mr. Graham Cracker," (that
was my little joke)
"With that wire you got the world in your palm.
Just
get a mouthpiece, and an earpiece, and a piece in between,
And you'll sponsor
The Telephone Hour."
And that was good advice, good advice.
Good advice costs nothing, and it's
worth the price.
Every word ya hear
Is the message of the year,
It's
good advice.
Christopher Columbus was a seaman second class
When I told him that the
Indies could be found
By sailing to the West instead of sailing to the
East.
I advised him that I thought the world was round.
(I really thought
so.)
And then I sent him down to ask good Queen Isabella
To pawn her
jewels for all their worth.
Next day he set sail, and as everyone
knows,
He fell off the edge of the Earth.
And that was bad advice, bad advice.
Bad advice is just the same as good
advice.
Everybody makes
Occasional mistakes,
And that was bad advice.
Return to "My Son, The Box" -- The Allan Sherman CD Box Set
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